The Cement Load/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Thank you very much. We were going through the "large vehicles "with oversized engines" trader and you know something? We decided that we need to broaden our interests a little bit. Oh, excellent! I was thinking of starting a chess club. You go right ahead, harold. So the bunch of us are gonna make an investment. We're getting ourselves a submarine. A submarine. G-g-gonna get yourselves a submarine. Yes, we are, harold. We've ordered the concrete for the submarine pen. We'll charge people money to take 'em on submarine rides, maybe find buried treasure, and generally get stinkin' rich. You're halfway there. All you need is the "rich" part. (audience laughing) (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): We got a jam-packed show. I'm gonna build a hovercraft. Ranger gord is gonna cry out for land whales. Garth harble's gonna show you how to control your skunk, and harold's gonna get under the covers. We've ordered lumber and a ton of concrete to make the submarine pen. We're putting money back into the community. Providing you pay your bills. We will when we start making money. We'll charge people for rides like they do at disneyworld. Take 'em down to "undersea world". We'll have scenes of sunken ships and mermaids and sharks and former members of the teamsters union. (audience laughing) you know, you don't have to spend any money. Most of your boats are already submarines. No, no, no, no. I'm keeping the budget in mind. If we can't afford a sub from russia, we'll get a steel corn bin from iowa. You guys scare me when you start buying stuff. Remember that time you bought that rocket-powered r.V. Out of that magazine? Remember what happened when you started it up? So what? It was firecracker day anyway. Nobody heard any complaints. We were all deaf for a week! Hey, that saved my marriage. (applause) (red): Oh, boy. Harold and bill have a project going. They wanted me to help. They had lumber and harold's gonna sit-- no, harold, watch out. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. I wasn't paying attention. Didn't notice the board. They didn't notice the board was missing. Ok, now, this is the big one! For a free hairstyle and mousse from ed's taxidermy-- that isn't right, is it? Oh! It's for a free any-style hare or moose from ed's taxidermy. That's completely different. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Franklin to say this word. Thirty seconds, and go! All right, uh, household appliance. Wide-screen t.V. With a built-in v.C.R. No, for cleaning. Cleaning. Yeah, cleaning. Uh... No. Cleaning, doug. Cleaning. It's for cleaning. Give me another clue. For cleaning the floor. Uh, old underwear. (audience laughing) a woman uses this to clean the house. Air freshener. This thing sucks stuff up off the floor. Oh, a dog. No, this sucks everything up -- dirt, lint, dust, everything. A baby? You're almost out of time, uncle red. Your monster truck sucks money out of your wallet like a... A vacuum. There we go. (applause) ♪ oh, lately ♪ ♪ the health-conscious fanatics have tried ♪ ♪ to stop us from eating anything fried ♪ ♪ french fries and onion rings and bacon and more bacon ♪ lots of bacon. A lot of bacon in there. ♪ they tell us the grease will get our heart achin' ♪ ♪ but I do believe they've got it all wrong ♪ ♪ without any lubricant, nothin' runs very long ♪ ♪ if you work on an engine, you'll soon understand ♪ ♪ that the whole thing seizes up ♪ ♪ if you've got no oil in your pan ♪ oh! He slipped. Ranger gord? Ranger gord? Hi, red. Gee! Shhh! I'm listening to the sounds of nature. You hear that? That's a land whale. A land whale? Right, and that's the eerie song of the beautiful land whale. (buzzing) sounds like a cicada. Right, cicada, cicada. I've been up here so long, I forgot the word. Cicada, cicada. That's it. Oh, listen -- I know that voice. That's larry the land whale... Or -- your fancy word -- cicada. He said, "hey, is anyone... There?" beginning to wonder the same thing myself, gord. Oh, listen. That's gerta. She says, "yes, and does anyone know "if ashley has left brett yet?" ashley has left brett? What is that, gord? They're not particularly bright animals. They watch a lot of soaps. Oh, oh. (buzzing) oh, excuse me. Have to tell them something. (imitating cicada) (buzzing stops) what happened there, gord? I told them it was 12:30. Why did that make them shut up? "the young and the restless" starts at 12:30. Oh! You know, I have to tell them that every day. I have to remind them every day. They're a little... Yeah, yeah. Wonder what makes them go like that. Living up here, I would say, gord. Oh, yeah. Yeah, for sure. You know, the first consideration for this submarine ride we're building would have to be "fun". Then comes popularity; next comes cost, but eventually we'll get around to safety. I'll take this week's "handyman corner" to show you how to build your own rescue boat. The problem with the boats up here, though, is that they're always sinking or running out of power or exploding. We have to take better care of our boats, or build a hovercraft. You can guess which way I'm leaning. This old unit here is gonna become the basis of my hovercraft. If you get yourself a store-bought hovercraft, they come with a rubber skirt to keep the air from blowing away. If you have your own rubber skirt, well, that's your business. I'm not one to judge. For me, I'll have to use whatever I can find that's rubber and big. Harold? I got my rubber stuff duct-taped to the gunnels all the way around. I suppose some of those items are not technically rubber but I'm not technically a boat-builder so that's a fit. Alls you have to do is get your captain's chair mounted on there and some source of a compressed gas and you can start hovering. People are gonna sit up and take notice when you come down the lake in this unit... Especially if you get sideways going into the rapids. All I have to do is pull the trigger on the fire extinguisher. The co2 gas goes through the hole in the hull, builds up pressure, lifts me off the ground, and away we go. Then I control the steering by leaning, letting the gas vent this way or that way. We've all seen that done before. Let's give 'er a try. Seems like we got a few too many holes. I'm gonna have to patch them with duct tape, but the two-inch stuff isn't wide enough. I got a better idea. (grunting) all right, I've turned my boat into an aluminum hull. I got my rescue equipment on board. Got the flashlight... And I got my walkie-talkie safety rescue unit... And my life-saving ring. I'm all set to go. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Time to cast off! (farting noise) this is the rescue boat -- help! Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. Want to talk about something that concerns folks our age. Oh, yeah -- memory loss. We've all been there, frowning in the middle of a parking lot, trying to remember where we parked the car, or which car did we bring? Was it the sedan or the wagon? Do we still have the sedan? Didn't we buy a van? (audience laughing) a lot of us are worried about losing our memory because we think we remember having one. The truth is, we never did remember stuff real well. You remember yourself being funny or smart or good-lookin'? Not only have you lost your memory, you've picked up somebody else's. But that's a good thing. It's better to remember things as being better than what happened. Nature does that on purpose. Otherwise, nobody would have more than one kid or get remarried or keep cheering for the toronto maple leafs. (audience): Ohhhh! So... If you've forgotten you're forgetful, forget it. If you remember one thing, remember this: I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (applause) oh, cheer up, harold. I didn't know a submarine would be that expensive, not even a russian one. Way out of our price range. Financial constraints have forced me, unfortunately, to cancel the entire submarine project. Junior's wife had already made a fake shark. She'll turn that into a bean-bag love seat with fins. (audience laughing) old man sedgwick has sent back the mermaid costumes... Except one. (audience laughing) we've cancelled all the lumber and I got harold to cancel the 15 truckloads of cement. I'm gonna do a boat thing-- uncle red, uh... You didn't say "cancel the 15 truckloads of cement." yes, I did, harold. No, no, no, what you said was... (crying) oh, I gotta cancel those truckloads of cement. Once they get here... (trucks backing up) ohhhh... (signals beeping) they're here. There's 15 truckloads of cement-- I said have a chess club! Garth harble here, animal control, with another feature on controlling your animals. And speaking of animals, come on in here, red. (laughing) what happened to your ear? Oh, nothing serious. They say chickens can't fly, but they sure can jump. Wow. Ever been pecked in the ear? Not by a chicken. Ooh. You know, red, 19 years, 11 months, and 2 days, and I'm retired. Wow! I'm gonna fax a picture of my butt to my boss and he can kiss it. Today, we're talking about controlling skunks. Today, we're talking about controlling skunks. I just said that. All right, go on. Never try to catch a skunk with your bare hands. They've got sharp teeth and they'll clamp down on your achilles tendon and you're there for the day. You gotta use a trap. Make sure it's a proper trap. Don't lasso them or scoop them into a green garbage bag or startle them into having a heart attack. Boo! Because they'll just... That's right, and trust me -- I know. That's right. It's almost impossible to avoid getting squirted. (squirting) see? So make sure that it's a proper trap. A proper trap will put the tail down. That pretty much puts them out of business. Right, I see. Then you just take 'em someplace, say, like your boss's house, and let 'em go. Ok, why don't you tell our viewers how can they tell if they have a skunk around their place? Really, red? Yeah, just... Yeah. Say your nose falls off, red. I see, yeah. Look for holes around the foundation. Oh, like that there? Like that hole you got there by your house, there. (skunk panting) pretty much exactly like that. Oh! (skunk panting) oh, boy. Another super day. (squirting) hi, ranger gord again. People ask me, "does living alone in a forest for 16 years drive you crazy?" no, not if you find ways to keep yourself busy. (laughing) fooled ya! (laughing) welcome to harold's handicrafts, where crafty hands make "handi-crafts"! Ok, today, let's weave a wool blanket. Wahhh! Now, if you can tie a knot, you can weave a wool blanket. If you can't tie a knot, you probably majored in film or something. Ok, so, uh, first, as always, step one. Wah-ha-ha! You gotta find a stick and then... (laughing nervously) all right. Yes, and then step two... You take the wool and wrap it around the stick. As I said, you just tie yourself a knot and... You tie a knot! That's the beginning of the origin of the wool blanket. Then you can make one of these. What you do from this point is you have to tie all the threads together in a weave-like pattern. And then it's, uh... You just... Giddyup! You take them and you, uh, tie them together back and forth, back and forth... (laughing) and you're created your very own wool blanket. (applause) (cheering) just remove the stick and you've created a pioneer-like blanket, from the authentic wool down to the authentic label. Oh, boy. (audience laughing) that's just a touch I like to add myself. The best part is, you created it yourself. Quite an accomplishment, if you just tie wool into a knot. How about pulling wool over people's eyes, harold? (audience laughing) look, uncle red tried and he couldn't do it! Oh, you! (laughing) (applause) well, sure enough, there's 15 cement trucks out there and they're not full of concrete. They're full of quick-drying concrete. In two hours, it's gonna be harder than moose thompson's forehead. I went to the drivers. I said, "we made a mistake. "you guys can take it back. "would that be all right?" I thought they'd be upset, but they laughed. Oh, they laughed! They laughed like that, so then we laughed. We laughed, we laughed. But then we stopped laughing. But not them. They kept on laughing and laughing... I figured out why. If we don't take the concrete and it hardens in those trucks, we have to pay for the concrete and new trucks. A lot of men, when they see a problem like this, try to find a solution. I prefer to figure out whose fault it is and then let them take care of it. (audience laughing) hey, handyman, this here is copper pipe. You connect that by putting solder on there with a torch. Doesn't work so well with the plastic pipe. (red): With all that cement lying around, we're gonna use this week's "adventures with bill" to do something with some concrete. Bill's making a concrete coffee table. First, he has to make the form for it. This is our version of peter, paul and mary... Oh! "if I had a headache"... Oh, you're fine, harold. Anyway, he wants to cut that-- he's got the electric chainsaw. I'm a little bit cautious about-- you safety-conscious people, here's something not to do. Don't get on top of the wood unless you're sure it can support you. The blade's digging in. Harold's wrapped around the cord. Away they-- I didn't understand how this was helping us. Then I'm thinking maybe they've changed their mind. They're gonna build a theme park and this is the main ride. I say, "hey, boys, ride's over." I bet you 10 bucks harold wants to go again. I'll be up to my elbows in you-know-what. (red): We got the form done. Waiting for bill to come back. Wow! Well, I'm impressed. That credit card is working at the rental store, obviously. We got the shovels and cement's gonna come down. Oh, I see -- ok, ok. We're gonna get it with the shovels. I'm not sure bill's aware of how the equipment works. There we go, there we go. Something's starting to happen. We're gonna carry it by shovel. I thought a wheelbarrow... Well, that's just me. That's fine, that's fine. All right, all right. It's amazing how heavy that stuff is. There's a lot of water in that, and stone and sand and... Oh, boy, you may want to slow that... Just back that off. Ok, that's fine. All right, we got it. We'll get that off. We're fine -- get that, harold. Maybe a bigger shovel might have been a plan. Oh, boy, can you not-- is there a dimmer? There's a dimmer right there. All right, we're fine. There we go -- bigger shovel. Bigger shovel -- there we go. Boy, that is heavy. And then we got the idea, kind of a bucket brigade thing. It's seen in some of the earlier "swiss family robinson" specials. Oh, boy, harold, you're supposed to be-- I don't think harold totally understands the point of co-operation. That's obvious every episode. What's bill doing? Sorry, bill. We hadn't noticed that. We were kind of tied up. We were dumping the cement right on... Apparently right on bill. You can only watch so many "I love lucy"'s, it starts to rub off. Got our table done. We heard something coming from-- we realized... Oh, by golly! Bill's stuck inside-- we have cemented bill in-- we cemented-- oh, boy! Oh, good, that was good. Yeah, he's fine. That's great. Well, there we go. Bill as a table -- I like it. Howdy, this is ranger gord, reminding you where there's smoke, there's fire, and where there's fire, there's ranger gord, and where there's ranger gord, there's... ... Nothing. There's nobody. Nothing! Nothing! Oh, no! (can falling over) oh, my toilet! Well, who would have thought you'd have fun with concrete? Concrete beach, concrete hedge, concrete pets... (audience laughing) have you finished that wooden form to pour your chessboard? Finished hammering the last nail not five minutes ago. All I gotta do is pour the concrete. We saved you the last truckload. One truckload's left? I need six for the chessboard and three for the players. I guess we'll have to order another 15 truckloads for tomorrow. I got dibs on the first five. How did that concrete skateboard ramp turn out? Not good, no. It's hard to get cement to flow uphill. Yeah, yeah. Oh... (grunting) ahhh... What I learned is I should pour from the top next time. Yeah. (possum squeal) it's meeting time. Well, you go, harold. I'll be down in 20 minutes. I ought to be there about then. Wow. I'm on my way. All right, then, go. Away you go. Off you go, then. Bang! Off you go. Off you go. Ben johnson on a seniors' tour. (laughing and applause) if my wife is watching, I'm coming straight home after the meeting. I'm gonna be bringing two gas cans of cement. Gonna have matching headstones. I'll be no-lead, you'll be premium. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and... (possum squeal) ... Flash... Until we meet again, keep your stick on the ice. (applause) (possum squeal) (harold): Ok, all rise. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... Boy, this is too much!